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Giving Your Children a Vision for Courtship
Reb Bradley
I.
WHAT CONDITIONS WITHIN THE CHURCH SHOULD MOTIVATE PARENTS TO GIVE
THEIR CHILDREN A VISION FOR COURTSHIP?
A. Rampant
SEXUAL IMPURITY
B.
UNSTABLE, FAILING
marriages
C. Spiritual
IMPOTENCE
II.
The origin of recreational dating
A. Dating is
an
invention
of unbelievers in the
20th
century.
B. Christians
adopted
dating from the world and
abandoned biblical and historical customs
III.
What are the differences between modern dating customs and the
biblical model for romance?
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THE BIBLICAL MODEL |
THE MODERN DATING MODEL |
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Marriage was God’s chosen relationship for the expression of
romantic or sexual desires.
1 Cor 7:9 … it is better to marry
than to burn with passion.
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Dating and “going together” are the modern solutions to
emotional and physical desires of those unable or unwilling
to marry. |
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To gain the privilege of touching one another, a couple had
to enter a covenant by swearing vows of lasting faithfulness
and commitment.
Mal 2:14; Prov 2:17; Num 30:2; Deut 23:21, 23
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To gain sensual touching privileges, a couple must like each
other or have some use for each other. No covenant is
entered – no permanent commitment is required. Private,
intimate parts of oneself are shared with as many as one
desires.
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After entering a binding covenant, God declared two separate
people to be one flesh, which meant they gained rights to
one another’s bodies.
Mat 19:6 So they are no longer two,
but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not
separate."
1 Cor 7:4 The wife's body does not
belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same
way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but
also to his wife.
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In the world’s dating model a couple has not bound
themselves in a covenant and therefore has not been declared
by God to be one flesh, yet they grant rights to physical
intimacy to whomever they choose.
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When a man was prepared to support a wife, he then began to
seek a relationship. Courtship is the word describing the
exploration and cultivation of a relationship for marriage.
It is a means to
an end. Parents were involved in arranging or overseeing it.
Gen 28:2; 29:14-18,26; 34:8;
34:16-18; 41:45; Deu 5:16; 1 Cor 7:36-38 (KJV); Ex 2:21;
22:16; 28:32; Josh 15:16-17; Judg 1:12-13; 12:9; 21:1,7,18,
22; 1 Sam 17:25; 18:17,19,27; 25:44; 2 Ki 14:9; 1 Chr 2:35;
2 Chr 25:18; Dan 11:17; Matt 22:30; Mark 12:25; Luke
20:34-35
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Years before young people are prepared to marry, or ready to
settle down and commit to family life, they engage in dating
for the purpose of personal gratification. It is an end in
itself -- it is, effectively, a substitute for marriage. It
offers most of the benefits of marriage, but without the
commitment.
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When a couple knew they trusted one another enough to make
the commitment of marriage, they entered their covenant by
having a betrothal (engagement) ceremony, at which time they
spoke their vows, but gained no rights yet to touch or live
together.
1 Cor 7:1 … It is good for a man not to touch a woman.
[… not to marry] (Jud 14:2, 10; 1
Sam 18:21)
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After a couple shares physical and emotional intimacies
through dating, and find themselves significantly
emotionally bonded, and they come to believe they will be
sufficiently gratified by each other the rest of their
lives, they decide they are ready to marry. They then enter
a temporary, probationary period before marriage called
“engagement.” |
IV.
What are the privileges offered by the two models of romance?
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The Biblical Model
for Romantic Relationships & the Accompanying
Privileges:
Age to
begin:
When
ready to marry
Casual
acquaintances
Privileges:
>
none
Courtship
Privileges:
>
chaperoned time together
>
no touching
Engagement (Betrothal)
Privileges:
>
guaranteed spouse
>
no touching
Marriage
Privileges:
>
cohabitation
>
1 on 1 alone-time
>
sexual rights,
ie;
back rubs, mistletoe kisses, slow dance full-body hugs,
viewing of attractive aspects of body, and sexual
intercourse
>
cultivation of emotional intimacy
>
guaranteed companionship
>
emotional security
>
having children
>
development of social skills
Requirements for gaining the privileges offered in the
Biblical Model for romantic relationships:
>
couple must enter a marriage covenant which that the couple
speak vows and oaths in front of witnesses, swearing
faithfulness and unyielding commitment to their permanent
partnership, thereby establishing formal, God-sanctioned
boundaries to the relationship
>
couple must be
united
by God
as
One flesh
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The Worldly Model
for Romantic Relationships & the Accompanying
Privileges:
Age to
begin:
Any age
Casual
acquaintances
Privileges:
>
back rubs, mistletoe kisses
>
slow dance full-body hugs
>
view attractive aspects of body
Dating
Privileges:
>
moderate sexual activity, ie: holding hands, kissing,
passionate hugging, face-caressing, etc.
>
1 on 1 alone-time
>
cultivation of emotional intimacy
>
development of social skills
Going
Steady
Privileges:
>
greater sexual contact, possibly petting and fornication
>
guaranteed companionship
>
emotional security
>
occasional cohabitation
>
partial cohabitation,
ie: "playing house"
Engagement
Privileges:
>
increased sexual contact & cohabitation
Marriage
Privileges:
>
complete cohabitation
>
complete sexual privilege
>
having children
Requirements for gaining the privileges offered in the
Worldly Model for romantic relationships:
>
couple must like each other, or . . .
>
couple must have use for each other
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V.
WHAT ARE THE EFFECTS OF THE 2 SYSTEMS?
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Effects of the Worldly System
A.
Creates a permanent bond
1.
Scars, calluses, &
wounds
REMAIN
2.
Emotional
BONDS
with others remain
3.
Develop
FEAR
of commitment
4.
HEART is
SHARED
with many, leaving
LESS for future mate
B.
Develops wrong concepts of
LOVE
C.
Teaches
"UNCOMMITMENT"
D.
Develops
APPETITE
for variety & change
E.
Creates a standard of
COMPARISON
F.
Causes
LATE marriages
G.
Promotes
SEXUAL INVOLVEMENT
H.
DEFILES the conscience
I.
Marriage is
DEVALUED
J. Fellowship is
DESTROYED |
Effects of God's Plan
A.
Protects from heartache & resulting problems
B.
Keeps the mind clear
C.
Prevents habits of separation
D.
Content with only 1 person
E.
Content with one's spouse
F.
Marry earlier
G.
Preserves purity
H.
Keeps conscience clear
I.
Marriage is more highly esteemed
J.
Fellowship is preserved |
VI.
HOW CAN
WE IMPART A VISION FOR COURTSHIP?
A. Influencing
values requires that we have their
respect.
> We do not
learn from those we do not respect.
We respect those who respect us – not those who do not listen or
value us
> Keep in
mind: A strictly
AUTHORITARIAN
approach will
alienate teens.
Not about CONTROL ----- They are their own person.
You may be able to control
behavior,
but not the
heart
PARENTS CAN DO EVERYTHING RIGHT...
--- It’s not even about METHOD.
No
ONE
biblical model.
B. Influencing
values requires that we have their
hearts,
and more importantly, that
God has
their heart
> Cultivate a
love
relationship with them.
> God motivates us by both
respect
and
love.
David sang of his love for God and his fear of God
Deu
10:12 And now, O Israel, what does the LORD your God ask of you but
to fear the LORD your God, to walk in all his ways, to
love him, to serve the LORD your God with all your heart and
with all your soul,
> Without
RELATIONSHIP
parents have
DIFFICULTY NURTURING
a teen’s walk with Christ.
Cultivate TRUST with them – We do not receive from those we do not
trust OR TRUST ACCEPT US
> If
Jesus
is not
Lord in
their
hearts
they will lack the insight and power they will need.
1
Pet 3:15 but sanctify Christ as Lord in your hearts …
2
Cor 5:15 And he died for all, that those who live should no longer
live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised
again.
C. From infancy,
elevate marriage
as the place for expression of
romantic intimacy.
It’s about the elevation of MARRIAGE --- NOT THE ABSENCE OF
DATING.
1. Elevating
modesty preserves the sanctity of marriage. Song of Sol
4:12
Not sharing with the world that which their mate will want preserved
for them
2. Elevate to
them their
purity,
emphasizing keeping themselves
pure as a
gift
for their mate
3. When they
witness
romantic intimacy
outside marriage, ie: TV, immodest magazine covers, park benches --
expose it as action which
robs from marriage.
4. Rom 13:14;
Mat 18:6 Limit their exposure to
sexual stimuli
> It
tempts
them,
corrupts
their values, and
desensitizes
to that which should be kept sacred.
Parents are not careful, because THEY are
desensitized.
D. Raise your
children to
respect the opposite sex
> Raise your
daughters to be
pure
and your sons to
guard a woman’s
purity
1 Tim
5:1-2 Do not rebuke an older man harshly, but exhort him as if
he were your father. Treat younger men as brothers, 2 older
women as mothers, and younger women as sisters,
with absolute purity.
E. Get fully
equipped and then schedule a time of
INSTRUCTION
to be certain
they understand.
F. Proverbs
1-31: Prepare them for coming
temptations
> Plan for
them
responses
to porn, flirting, mockery, etc.
G. Dim the
glamour of fornication by using
biblical terminology
in reference to it.
H. Equip them
to handle
PREMATURE AFFECTION
(Eccl 3:8;
Song 2:7; 3:5)
1. Curb
inappropriate
FANTASIES (2 Cor 10:5)
2. Guard
against sending
WRONG MESSAGES
a. 1 Tim
2:9-10; Rom 14:21 Explain the power of
immODESTy
Rom
14:13 Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another.
Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or
obstacle in your brother's way.
b. 1 Tim 2:9
Help them avoid a
flirtatious
spirit
1
Pet 3:3 Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as
braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. 4
Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty
of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's
sight.
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